Have you seen this man?

I was walking around the streets, when I saw this man. He was just standing there. He looked at me and then we walked up to me. He slapped me in the face. I tell you, that man rustled my jimmies. As soon as I looked at him after he slapped me, he was gone. Then I was kicked in the back! It was that man again! I looked back and he was gone! I'm not sure if he was even a he! Then, there was nothing. I walked back home, and then I saw the man looking through my window, he, or maybe she, was moaning and I heard a strange noise while he was moving his hands. I ran up to the window, and he was gone! I also found a strange white sticky stain near the bushes. I'm sick of this man and I'm on the search for him or her, and I'm wondeing, have you seen a man who- wait a second, now that I think about it, you look kind of like the man, wait...YOU ARE THAT MAN! YES YOU, THE VIEWER! YOU SLAPPED ME IN MY FACE, KICKED MY ASS, LOOKED IN MY WINDOW, LEFT A STICKY WHITE STAIN IN MY BUSHES AND RUSTLED MY JIMMIES! Why did you do it, dear reader, WHY!? WHAT GIVES YOU A REASON TO RUSTLE AN INNOCENT MAN'S JIMMIES! WHAT DID I DO TO YOU!? Also, what the heck was that weird sticky stain you left in my bushes?